Limboistic

And here I hang almost 1 am, waiting futilely for the conflict within to go somewhere. And of course I should probably finish up my work that's been piling up this past 1 week. Thankfully I've already finish all the revision I need to do the finals for all my subjects except for my ESL which has no finals. It's been a weird week, my mind's far away and I've been dreaming of things yet to come again. I don't think I'd be very stable for the next week to come. The walls I've been trying to use to block out this ... curse... have crumbled at the non-stop onslaught.

ARGH, I know I need something to center myself. Because I cannot find it so I'm flowing slowly away from my intended destination. Fighting the flood seems so bloody impossible! RAWR! I will not give up... not again, not this time... I shall move forward, I'm so tired to sliding backwards towards oblivion and the destruction of my future. My will is slipping... my sanity slowly along with it. Will I end up like those mental patients or worse, some martyr soothsayer?

Fuck it, Fuck focus, Fuck the world, Fuck the future. I am seriously sick, SICK of this stupid thing. What's the fucking point of knowing what you can't change? What's the point? Where's the reasoning behind giving me this shit? Why am I seeing this shit?! Must I be there every time someone I know dies? What does it achieve but to sap my will to live? Oh how blessed are the ignorant around in the world. To live without knowing when their time is coming. To live their lives without the burden of knowledge. Knowledge is power?! Knowledge is... sadness... death... change.

Oh how everyone wished that the world will not change and time would just stand still. When things don't get any worse, hahahahahahahaha.... I think I'm on the very verge of snapping right here and now. I ... believe that I'm getting so worked up because I'm frustrated. Frustrated that I cannot change the way things turn out. Sure, when I see something, it's bound to happen. But how I wish that people knew how I wish I would be WRONG. I want to be able to change the things I see, I don't want to play the passive bystander. I want to get involved with all my heart and soul. I don't want to be standing emotionless as things happen as I say.

I want to be there, I want to feel, I want to be there for those who are suffering. I know that sometimes it's better to let them go, but not in such a painful manner. I ... want to change it. But is that wise? If you were a time traveler, what would you know about temporal consequences? If, by saving one person, you cause a chain reaction that leads to the birth of another who destroys the world? Oh what the fuck should I do? All this internal conflict is bound to manifest corporally someday. Will I tear someone apart with my bare hands? I feel so much like screaming my lungs out and then destroying time itself.

Okay... now that I got all of that out in the open. I hope to enlighten the people who read this blog that what I talk about here are the currents that flow under the calm waters that you see in my appearance. If you see me quiet, aloof, distant or just plain generically nice. Be warned not to venture too deep, because your not going to like what you see under the hood. The engine maybe powerful, but it's not for the faint of heart.

On a more alternative note, my research on Gamers and the psychology behind it, has just jumped forward as I get to know and understand the people who "police" the MMOGs that we love. I've been getting closer to the GMs who maintain and runs the private servers of World of Warcraft. The reasons for becoming a GM and owning your own piece of the virtual world seems to cultivate a God complex. It's ... haha.... hahaha.... very interesting to have been interacting with them lately. But hey that's what I've been doing to try and keep my mind off tearing myself apart. Good riddance to Mr. Neutral, what you've been seeing in class is closer to what I was back in my older self. Lots of questions, oppositions and of course the Ego that is part of the package. Have fun trying to understand me. Alauz Out!

Idiots of today, Geniuses of tomorrow