The Past
I never mentioned that when I was in the care of my grandparents, there were a couple of times I was beaten or abused to the point I nearly lost my sight and almost died a couple of times. My memories were rather repressed and it was only recently I started reliving those dark times. I suppose that's part of the reason I decided to rebel against the system.
The Present
Thus my outlook on life was heavily influenced by my encounter with death when I was young, I suppose I have nothing much else to fear. I am living life without chains shackled to my soul. This feeling of being free from worldly binds only comes after a close encounter with death I suppose, I could be wrong. If you've faced it and managed to walk away, your only opponent left is yourself. And if you can overcome that, life is truly what you make of it. No fear of making mistakes, no fear to try out new things, life's too short for us to be ruled by fear.
Dreams; Nightmares
I am a rather big softie I suppose when it really comes to life and death. That's how I got into those near fatal beatings in the first place when I was young, I didn't want my younger brothers to suffer the same fate. I did not understand my intentions back then, why I had chose to be singled out. My brother also went through the canings, why not take the other abuse together with me? With the belt buckle, shouting voices and humiliation?
Torture
Being thrown out of the house completely naked after being beaten or caned, and then locked outside by my relatives. Such are the punishments I endured. What's left to be ashamed about when you've been stripped of all your dignity as a human being to wear clothing; after being caned or beaten? There are precious little things that can faze you after that. I feel jaded, like a prisoner of war back in WWII must have felt after a nearly complete torture sequence, physical, mental, physical, mental. And mentally prepared to face death, proud to have divulged nothing to the enemy, but completely drained.
Violence
Is that why I'm so violent? My thoughts still occasionally flit to extreme forms of violence when I am tired and unable to control my thoughts conciously. Or is it my basic nature, to be violent because I'm a male? Do I really want to tear the person apart limb from limb with my bare hands? Should I do it because I can? I am tempered in the flames of a violent nature, but I suppose I'm much better off verbalizing it out into words. Words are eternal, wounds are but a passing phase.
Dark Side
So I've lived my life of passion rather than neutrality, go read the book "Path of Destruction" for an interesting insight into how a person can fall completely to the Dark Side of the Force. I would be a Darth Bane if there was such a thing as the Force. I empathized completely with Bane and would have probably walked in his footsteps if I were put in his shoes. A life of abuse really can warp a person so completely.
But I am stronger for it, if there are others who want to fight for a cause greater than themselves, must first understand themselves. To know if they have the passion that is in line with the cause they want to fight for. And not some whimsical reason that can be blown away like leaves in the wind. Otherwise their false passions will shatter from a single blow of reason and be forced to live a life of denial.
In other news
My laptop died today, it is confirmed that my computer products suffer great overuse and are wearing out many years before their due departure. It's probably the amount of juice I try to squeeze out of them by running applications at levels way out of the league of low budget rigs. I squeeze so much out, it's sometimes a little scary what I've been able to do with so little. 2 desktops and a laptop later, only shows that I need a rig that can withstand the punishments I dole out. Perhaps it's time to really spend some serious cash in getting something strong enough to resist for more than 2 years. I'd probably save more money in the long run.
Testing configurations to last 2 years:
- Quad Core 6600 (probably because of the good price)
- Nvida 9800GT (Considering the 260/280GTX but they are still too pricy)
- 8GB Ram (If I can find a mother board that has enough slots for cheap)
- Liquid Cooling Tower (So far I found one that suits my purpose for less than 200 bucks)
- Decent enough motherboard (For the ram especially important)
- 2 SATA 1TB/500GB HDD on Raid ZERO (Never enough HDD space)
- Decent powerbox 1000/1500w(Able to accept 110v/240v regardless where I'd be)
- A tower carrier
I've already have 2 monitors as well as 4 DVD-RW drives sitting around doing nothing, so I'm not bothering with those purchases. So far my aqquaintances at the shops around Sg have been able to give me a quotation for what I want under 900 bucks. With an operating system I suppose I'd hit 900 plus but still under 1000. Well, I'd probably use any of the Vista 64bit versions otherwise I'd be wasting the ram and the quad core multitasking threadlines. Sigh I need a new rig soon.
Alauz Out!
Idiots of today, Geniuses of tomorrow
今日の馬鹿，明日の天才