No doubt the first paragraph is the most obvious, it is also the most redundant.

Alright, this is a follow up to my very first post. I might have forgotten to do a degrading self intro that so plagues this line of writing. I'm a guy, whose straight but occassionally do have funny ideas about being Bi, but it never comes close cause I am far too lazy to find out if I'm truly attracted to both sexes. For now I am content to know I like girls, period.

Why I'm what I am today.

I'm living here in Singapore, with most of my childhood years spent in an extremely brutal and violent household. Well I remember most of my childhood years while I lived with my Mother's parent's house, where brutality was discipline. I grew up enduring smacks, canings and downright plummeting from my uncles and aunties and even my grandparents. It actually came to a point where I was punished for anything that went wrong in the household. Be it when I do the right thing, or do the wrong thing, I would beaten nearly to a pulp by the uncaring adults. Once I almost went blind when my uncle caned my eyes repeatedly while I kept them closed. But hey, right now, haha no one would dare lay a finger on me. You'd see why soon enough.

You would think I would have forgotten things like that already huh?

Statement: Fact of life

Affection wasn't shown to me thru hugs and kisses, but rather being showered with material goods such as toys and games was supposed to be love. Whose to complain eh? Hahaha, well to each his own again I say.

So there is a beginning?

Main reason why I had to live with my Grandparent's place for several years was because my father who was in the furniture business was forced to wind down his business here in Singapore in the slight depression of 1987. Thus we were forced to sell our house at Faber Gardens (For those interested it's along Upper Thomson Rd) and move to my Grandparent's place. My father was desperate to find a way to support the family and in the end, he travelled to Indonesia to work for another company. Until today, he has risen up from being a mere worker to the co-owner of the business. Well I don't really blame him for what has happened to me, infact I guess I should be grateful that he never gave up and ended up providing alot of material comforts most Singaporeans would envy. Haha, perhaps always getting what you want wasn't very healthy for a boy who grew up in an environment where brutality and violence was the best way to solve any problems.

Anyways... back to my life story which happens to be something I want to write down, but don't expect anyone to read.

Sibling Rivalry

Well, I have 2 younger brothers, both which I was extremely violent with during my younger years. Well, I kinda broke out of the violence when I was 14, when in anger, I punched the middle brother on the lips and it swelled to triple it's size for a week. I realized my strength and swore never again to use violence on humans. Well after that, in an effort to cull my violent nature out of me, I broke three 1 inch solid glass table tops, a 1.5 inch glass door and broke every knuckle on both my hands punching solid brick walls. My mother actually told me to stop punching the walls cause there were cracks forming where I was punching it for a week. In total it took me 6 years to get the violent instinct out of me. I no longer have to control using my fists when anger consumes me. I merely give a tongue lashing that hurts twice as much, but that's better than the person going to the hospital.

When you lose trust of somebody, will you ever think of trusting the person again?

Right now, I'm trying to mend ties with my brothers. It isn't easy I tell ya, the trust and security just isn't there. The fear and respect that I've gotten thru brute force evapourated when I mended my old ways. How can you earn trust and repect from the people you've brutalized when your younger? Pacifism only served for them to ignore my pleas that I'm no longer what I once were. At times I fear the only way for me to regain what I lost would be to revert to my older self. The only problem would be that that person no longer existed. And it's going to be next to impossible for me to change back to what I was.

Mental Picture

Hahaha, if you know me and your reading this, you'd know that I've got a solid build and also trained in the art of Judo, I've got a brown belt in that not that it really matters. But what you wouldn't know would be that I've also picked up Jujitsu and have been training our singapore army regulars and even the commandos the art of Jujitsu under the tutorlege of my Sensei. well I've stopped training when I had to do my Industrial Attachment to complete my diploma. Well this was the reason why none of the people that hit me before dared to hit me again. But if it was me, I would not retaliate unless it was a matter of life and death. Martial arts teach us to tolerate and never to instigate anyone into a fight. Main reason, what you learn can kill your opponent who isn't trained in the art. No joke my friends, the arts you learn are as deadly to anyone who isn't prepared to face your attack as a gun shot wound to the chest.

Fear is the path to the Dark Side

Scars in the Battle of Life

Well for those of you that doubt my accounts, your free to examine the scars that have remained on my body. But that's kind of a turn off for me haha.. but then again I doubt anyone out there like to see scars..... I know I don't. Well if anything, I still haven't been able to let down my guard even when I get intimate with another person. It's sad to say that I've never been able to truly open up to another. There always seemed to have a barrier of mistrust and fear that the other person might use what I fear most, against me. Thus it's easier for us to open up to a machine, where it doesn't have emotions to betray us or hurt us with the things we love most. Hahaha, I have had too much time to think about matters like this. One thing I've done in abundance, TOO MUCH SOUL SEARCHING. I've been able to come up with so much excuses to explain "how I got here" and thus forgetting to plan for "how I'm getting there".

Happy Ending?

Well I'm feeling better now, having parted with a piece of the pain that I've bottled up within me it feels as if my heart's forming a crack as a faint beat echoes thru it's hardened hollow walls.

Idiots of today, Geniuses of tomorrow